Garage cleaning

So, I'm not sure what is going on at the mysterious treatment center, but I decided to fill my time by purging...the garage that is. Out go the fake Christmas tree, ornaments, paint cans, broken pots, old computers. I need room, even if it isn't a room I see. I need less clutter, less stuff confusing my life. I'm going to have it all hauled away while my husband is gone. All of it. Part of me wants to be ready to pack up and go at any time, just in case he comes to the conclusion that he doesn't want to live, or to be married, or to be married to me. Stuff anchors you to a place, to a life. No stuff, no (or lighter) anchor. Who knows, 6 months from now I might be living in another town with a completely different life. My plan is to do 2 constructive things a day. Today was getting his car tested for emissions so I can renew his tabs, and getting my stolen car affadavit notarized. Tomorrow, cat food and a haircut (2 bits). Wow, I'm a real action hero. Later...

First post - out of order - 2005

ORIGINAL POST


Living with Cirrhosis
Thursday, October 06, 2005

Last week at the hospital
My husband found out he has Cirrhosis this past July (2005). We tried the "shotgun" approach, meaning "western" medicine, acupuncture, herbs, prayer, psychic energy healing. Really, a lot of stuff that overwhelmed his system and probably exacerbated the problem. Then he was laid off from his job (a company reorganization), and was hospitalized within a week. He developed Jaundice for the first time, was in pain, vomiting blood, and couldn't eat. While his endoscopy from 3 weeks before showed a single, mildly enlarged vein, the endoscopy at the hospital showed 2 medium sized varices which weren't large enough to be banded. The physician we had initially seen had missed an appointment, told him he couldn't have his ascites drained (btw, we found out this was infected), and was always rushing out the door. Needless to say, we found a new (much better) doctor for him after the hospital stay.Other fun stuff: the hopitaler told us that liver function was only 5-10%, and that a liver transplant would be necessary. New physician estimates 30-50% function, and wants to evaluated the situation before recommending a transplant. Wow, using science and reasoning! So, this blog gets off to a not-so-happy start, but I have hope. Our friends came through for us with food, housekeeping, hugs and advice.We're dropping the herbs, the acupuncture, and anything that is unproven and costs money. Prayers and good wishes welcome. Will keep you posted.
posted by LL Cool Bean at 3:31 PM 0 comments

Quiet sets in

So yesterday was my husband's first day in rehab, but of course I couldn't talk to him...so I just had to imagine. I called his Mom, and we talked for quite some time about him, and how he had come to this place in his life. She described him as a loner in high school (who wasn't?) and told me he always had a chip on his shoulder. But oddly, we agreed that he was, and is, one of the sweetest and most sensitive people we knew.

Then she asked me something that surprised me...she asked if I was going to leave him. I told her I loved him, and that I did not want to do that, but had certainly thought abou it. It's really, really hard to have someone lie to you so much and to keep that relationship afloat. I don't know if rehab will do anything for him, but I know that I don't want to spend the rest of my life policing him and worrying about the truth of every statement he makes. Right now we are on shaky, shaky ground. But I have to keep in mind that my number one priority right now is to get him back on track with his health, and to assist him in any way I can to manage his addiction. If he returns to his pattern of lying and secret drinking, I no longer believe I can handle it. His behavior is ruining my life. But for now, I'm giving him one las chance.

Cirrhosis part 2

This is really misleading, part one happened about 3 years ago, in the Summer of 2005. My husband, who had never been a heavy drinker to my knowledge, was diagnosed with cirrhosis. Or as I like to see it, "End Stage Liver Disease". That is much scarier. In any case, the hidden bottles I had found and which had always been easily dismissed planted a seed in my hear. Was he lying to me? Shortly after diagnosis, he was hospitalised in Intensive Care for about a week. We weren't sure he would pull through it. He did, and went to see one of the best GI physicians in the country. He went regularly for a few months, and then came home one day proclaiming that he was doing so well that his doctor did not need to see him except for once a year. I found that hard to believe, but I believed it. He was an adult, and why would he lie about something like this?

He lied. I have been finding empty bottles in his car, office, and the garbage. He started looking so worn out and jaundiced that I asked him to go to the doctor. He said he did, but when I asked to see blood test results, he told me he didn't have them, and that he didn't remember which lab he went to. Later he said he remembered, but they must have lost his results. He even told this to our counselor, who spent hours trying to track the mystery results down. Of course he never got the test - I found the lab order in his car.

This man has been lying to me about so many things that I don't know how I will be able to stay married to him. I do love him, but he is more of a child to me than a man. I don't know how that can change. He just went through detox, and then straight into rehab. This is a first for him. I will giveit one chance, but if it doesn't work...I have to leave this relationship. The lies are the worst part, even worse than watching him kill himself.

Thanks for reading, I'll keep you posted